Dream•sync

Wow what an interesting few days it's been for myself and a close friend.  And what a very long time it's been since I actually posted something on the blog.  Strange how quickly time flies...

I'm sitting in my office working on a day when the corporate office is closed.  The wind is blustery today and has given a ... what's the word I want...  transient feel to the day.  Like nothing is stable. 

Strangely enough it's not unlike what is happening in my life and others.  I'm still wrestling with my current state.  My friends can tell you of how many people have gotten engaged in the last 3 weeks.  Too many to count on two hands.  I am very happy for each of them.  Really happy.  But at the same time each one of these blessed announcements is a chance for me to become despondent at my own state of singleness.  It's only a chance - and the evil one loves to take those opportunities to convince me yet again that I am unworthy.  That there is something wrong with me or that I've done something so horribly wrong that the Lord is 'punishing me' with this time of singleness.

Which is false - and yet it is so easy to give into those thoughts. 

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."
                                                                  2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (my emphasis)

And that brings me to the reason for writing this blog in the first place.  It's so important to remember that the war we are fighting is primarily a spiritual one.  One that can manifest itself in the careless comments of others, or the assumptions and misunderstandings between friends.  It can manifest in so many different ways. In my case it was in a dream I had this past Sunday morning. I cannot recall much of the beginnings of that dream, but the end result of it had me awake at 3:30 am, heart & mind racing.

I am traveling with my friend Katie in her car.  I am vaguely aware that we are traveling with a group of people, and that there is something we must be cautious about.  I have somehow obtained a silver pistol - like a Colt .45 - only the barrel looks as if it's been modified.  It also has pins or brackets that pop out of the bottom of the handle for the purpose of doing more damage when hitting someone with the butt of the gun.

Katie and I are walking back to her car after stopping at a rest stop.  I am talking to her about plans for something and sit in the passenger seat of her car, gun on my lap, still talking to her as she walks around the back of the vehicle.  I notice it is taking her too long to make the trek and call her name.

I hear her scream coming from behind the car.  I leap up, gun in hand from the passenger side and face what I can only call a shadow figure who has come up behind Katie and put one arm around her neck and the other around her waist, trying to drag her away from the car.  When this figure sees me it releases her and moves towards me in a rapid and very jerky motion.  Almost as if it was a bad film recording.  Jerky and flickering on the horizontal plane while in one location, then 'woosh' to the next location, all jerky and flickering.

I barely have time to raise the gun to shoot the thing from hip level.  I get it right in the gut just before it reaches me.

And then I wake up.

And some of you reading this are like - "wow scary dream but how do you know it was a spiritual attack and not some bad pizza wreaking revenge?"  

There are a few ways I can tell.  First - I've experienced attacks of this kind before.  And in every case the figure is never clearly defined.  It is always in shadow.  Second, when I tell my dreams like this to mentors in the faith, they are usually the ones to flag them as an attack even before I suggest that it might be one.  Third, my own spirit usually alarms at things that aren't 'normal' nightmares.

What's really interesting is when the person being attacked in my dream can confirm a similar dream at virtually the same time.  When I shared with Katie about this dream she confirmed a similar figure in her dream trying to do her harm.  Hearing that at first really creeped me out :)  But upon further discussion with friends and mentors, it's a blessing.  A blessing to know that the Lord can use us even in dreams to come to the aid of a friend.

In this case my weapon in the dream was a silver Colt .45.  Upon waking it was prayer.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
       but against the rulers,
       against the authorities,
       against the cosmic powers over this present darkness,
       against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Stand therefore,
     having fastened on the belt of truth,
     and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
     and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.
     In all circumstances take up the shield of faith,
                      with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;
     and take the helmet of salvation,
     and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,
                      praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.

To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints...

                                                                             Ephesians 6:10-18 (my emphasis)

So how about you?  Have you armed yourself today?  I'll be the first to confess I do a poor job of equipping myself for battle.  But the Lord's not finished with me - and He still chooses to use me despite myself. And for that I am eternally thankful.

---

Listening to: The wind...
Reading: "Sacred Waiting" by David Timms.  Thoroughly enjoying his examination of waiting in the lives of Noah, Abraham, David and Jesus... looking forward to the second half of the book...
Crafting: One large crib sheet, One announcement framing, one Christmas gift with a wonderful saying and the repair of a friend's necklace.  This time of year is busy in so many ways...
Studying: Good question... I need to get back into my Beth Moore study on David...

I went to bed last night feeling content after a day that started at 6 AM, included a 2-hour drive home, one appointment at 9, a run to AutoZone for new pads and rotors at 10, then a full day of work.  Got a text from my sister Val who also had an interesting afternoon and discovered she had no food in her apartment, so she came over and I fixed Beef Stroganoff - a dish that I love (who wouldn't love beef and pasta in a wonderful sauce?  :)  She stopped and bought salad and ghiradelli brownie mix on the way, and we had a lovely dinner at my table.  I know I've blogged about this before, but I feel so blessed to be able to do stuff like that on the fly - make dinner and have people over.  Thankfully I had all the ingredients for the meal :)

Anyway, my dad stopped over and had a brownie while I tried to find the information he needed on his military retirement.  We got that situated and then I had a wonderful conversation with my good friend Katie :)  And we talked about things happening in my life, and things happening in her life.  Things that are difficult but I believe ultimately good.

All of that apparently set the stage for this dream.

 I am being asked by and older gentleman to play the part of a fly fisher for the start of his movie - I think it's a commercial of some sort, but I can't be sure.  All I know is that I am to stand on a dock fly fishing - swinging my pole back and forth without actually fishing.   I am excited about this as for the past few years I've taken an interest in fly fishing.

I am practicing by myself at the edge of the water, chest waders on, flicking my fly on the surface.  It's a lake beach.  I realize the fly is huge - it's emerald green and looks more like a spoon lure than a fly.  I am able to keep flicking it in the water without it getting wet.  The older gentleman approaches - he is wearing sand -colored khakis and a similar colored, yet speckled sweater.  His hair is gray - He tells me I'm getting the hang of it and then asks how I can keep the fly dry.  I tell him about the float powder and wax that you can use to keep the fly floating - but I'm not using any of those.

I am standing on a dock surrounded by a whole bunch of people that I don't know - people who look familiar to me, but I've somehow just met.   They are crowded onto a boat that is tied up to the dock.  I look down and see the dock planking - it is gray and weathered like it's been there a long time.  We are not ready to shoot the film yet, so I'm flicking my fly into the water again - and I look down into the water - it's black yet clear - and I see this enormous fish.  It has vertical stripes on it and a huge dorsal fin - with spines that have to be 8 inches long connected by webbing, similar to a sunfish only much bigger.  This fish must be at least 4 or 5 feet long and it's just hovering partially under the dock.  I call people over to take a look.  They tell me that's a poison fish - that the spines are very dangerous.  I don't believe them.  They tell me I should try to catch it.  I protest saying my fly rod would snap - it's not designed for fish that big.  I hold my pole up and look at the specs printed on the side of the rod but can't find the one that I'm looking for to prove my point. So I throw my fly in where I think the fish's head is.

It's just hovering there like it's in a fish tank too small for it.  I lean over and think I see a scuba diver's face looking up at me from the water.  It disappears.  I feel a tug on my line and think 'I've caught it' only to real in a soft fish-eel looking thing that appears to be like a fat footlong hotdog in a weird bun.  i have hooked it funny through the lip - I find it strange.  I am proud of my catch and hold it up to everyone for their approval.  They laugh and smile appropriately, but I can sense something off.  Like a joke I am unaware of.

I am rummaging through a pack of supplies given to me by the older gentleman.  In it I find the stuffed mascot that represents the crew that I'm filming with.  It is the same thing that I hooked early in the day, only the one I hooked seemed real at the time.  How could I have mistaken it for a real fish?  I realize that I did see a diver and that they had hooked this mascot on to my hook as a joke played on me by the whole group. 

I am walking through a green campus.  People are everywhere - lounging in the perfectly manicured green grass under precisely placed decorative maples.  It is a college campus.  As I walk through people look at me with jeering contempt.  'How could she be so stupid?  So gullible?' I hear under their breath.  I do not belong and they want me to understand that.

I do not belong.  I am unworthy.  I am without hope.

And that is what I woke up to this morning.  Lovely huh?  I believe I know where most of it stems from.  You see, there is this wonderful event coming up this weekend - a square dance.  I have come to love them and dread them all at once.  Love them because they are a lot of fun.  Dread them because I always come away from them feeling unworthy.  Unmatched and unwanted.  So it makes sense that I would dream something about a large group of people and walk away in the dream feeling that way.   Last year I was dreadfully sick so there was a reason not to get asked.  This year I'm not sick - and I dread the 'waiting' on the sidelines.  Last year I had my camera with me - which I often use to keep me distracted.  It's why at weddings I like doing the photography.  It keeps me from thinking too much.  I haven't decided whether to bring it this time.   

So why am I still going you may ask?  Because despite the fears that are being broadcast from my dream, I do belong.  I am not unworthy.  I am not without hope.  But it's a battle for me every time.  A war against fear ruling my life.  I am taken back to one of my favorite passages - Isaiah 43 - as a welcome reminder.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
   and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
 when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
   and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
 I give Egypt as your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
   and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
   peoples in exchange for your life. 

 So today started as an 'off' day because of the dream and the fears it represents.  But it doesn't have to end as an off day.  It can (and will) be redeemed by God's grace.