Dream•sync

Has it really been since September?  Apologies.  So much has happened in the last... oh... 8 months...  craziness.

Probably the biggest thing - I'm engaged :) 

I had been told multiple times that when it did 'happen' to me it would go fairly quickly.  And they weren't wrong. 

I am very blessed.  Blessed by the Lord with a man who was never really on my 'radar'.  A man who I'd been friends with for several years before things developed between us. 

I'm hoping to document the last few months and years as I remember them here so you can read how the Lord taught me patience, and walked me through heartache before bringing me to a place where He could honor my heart's desire. 

It's not a checklist.  Life is not a checklist.  Keep that in mind.  My story is different from everyone else's and it's not a 'recipe' for marriage.  I'm going to try not to say those things like 'I had to surrender everything and then He gave me what I wanted' or 'be happy in your singleness and then he'll reward you'...  or other foolish things that associate marriage with a gift for those who are worthy or who follow a specific set on instructions so they can check it off their life list.  Life is messy.  I'm selfish. I'm impatient. I make foolish decisions. And yet despite my sinfulness my God chooses to fulfill my heart's desire - but only according to His will and timing and only for His glory.  Not my own.

And for that I am abundantly thankful. 

Anyway, this is just a preview of what I'd like to do with the blog.    Not sure what the design will be, or how long it will take me to tell you all I've learned over the last few months, but I'm writing again. 

And it feels good :)

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Listening to: Got 2 Know - Flux Pavilion on Pandora
Reading:"Ancients" by David L. Golemon
Crafting: Circlets for my wedding... and of course a cross stitch project too...
Studying: Trying to read through the Bible before I get married.  A little more than halfway there. And only 32 days to go :)

Had a dream last night and woke up with a killer headache.

I am watching a young, petite blonde girl put an earring in her left hear.  She tilts her head and looks at me asking a question.  I have a clipboard with a checklist on it.  It's for preparations for this girl's wedding which is happening in a few hours.  She's had her hair and makeup done and she's getting ready for photographs.  She is not yet wearing her dress.  I am her wedding coordinator.  I am wearing a black dress with wider straps with a figure 8 configuration of fabric at the breast, hourglass form fitting through the waist and hip with a slight flair at the floor.

We appear to be outside now, green grass on either side of a grey cobblestone path. Japanese Cherry trees are in blossom.  I am looking at myself from a distance.  My cell phone rings and I watch myself answer it.

I'm back 'inside' myself again, talking on the phone to a friend.  He says he is getting married soon, but that he isn't telling his parents or the rest of his family because he knows they wouldn't approve.  They would make him wait.  I look at the bride I'm preparing and it hits me all at once - he is marrying this girl who I've been helping.  They met at a Wal-Mart while he was looking to buy a handheld video camera. She was behind the counter.  I see it as a flashback.

My heart is leaping out of my chest with panic.  He can't marry this girl - he doesn't know anything about her.  I choke back words while on the phone with him.  Trying to tactfully tell him he's wrong.  That she isn't right for him - that he's supposed to be with me.

I don't say it though.  I don't confess my feelings to him.  Before we hang up he asks if I will be there.  I will be.

I debate in my head on what to do.  I have helped this girl prep for her wedding and now I'm going to ruin it for her.  Maybe I want to. How could I not know she was marrying him? 

At minimum I must make it plain to him how I feel before he takes this path.  I form a plan to object to the wedding at that moment where they ask if anyone has any objections. I do.  I most certainly do.

He will listen, won't he?  He will understand, right?  He will look at me with new eyes and wonder how he could have been so blind - or so I pray. I fear that will not be the case. 

Cue massive headache.

Yes - I actually dreamed all of those details - they are not confabulation.  As for the meaning - well lots of things are in transition for me which would play into the feeling of trying to plan stuff and not having all the info - the 'uncertainty' factor and the resulting steps of faith I will be taking.  Blonde girl - carry over from some show I watched yesterday.  Wedding theme?  Well I have played coordinator recently, and I've been reading Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity which could account for most of it. The feeling of being overlooked is something I've blogged about before. 

I am readjusting to life in the north.  After almost two weeks in Texas I had adjusted to the dry air and the heat.  Now I'm in the cool air and the moist and my lungs are objecting.  My chest is tight when I breathe.  Thankful for my inhaler.

I'm finding it hard to believe it's been so long since my last blog.  It's not that nothing has happened.  It's just that I haven't felt like blogging it :)  Journaling - yes.  Blogging - no.

I'm thinking it's time for a blog layout update as well.  I want to design my own this time... with whatever free time I do have which isn't much.  The last few days I've been cleaning up the apartment.  My cat did not like that I was gone for such a length of time.  And unfortunately at some point my doors were left open when no one was over here and I'm pretty sure she had visitors.  Slowly I'm getting it clean. Thankful it's not as bad as it could have been.  It's still not pleasant.

I was reading in II Timothy 1 Tuesday and the verse that's around my neck now on a dog tag stuck out (verse 7 to be exact):

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And as I continued reading I stumbled across the verse that has been rolling around in my head in the form of the old hymn "I Know Whom I Have Believed".  When I checked the lyrics this particular verse stuck out to me:

♫♪ I know not what of good or ill
May be reserved for me,
Of weary ways or golden days,
Before His face I see.

But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day. ♫♪

My heart is heavy as the verse describes.  If you continue reading in II Timothy 1 here's what it says:

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me [Paul] His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, to which I was appointed a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of the Gentiles.

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.

I've head several friends going through pretty challenging circumstances, each of which need to be bathed in prayer.  I've also been wrestling with different areas in my own life that I need to constantly recommit to the Lord. So the tune replays in my head over and over...

I know Whom I have believed.

I am persuaded.

He is able.

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Listening to: Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix) - Sarah McLachlan
Reading: The Scarpetta Factor by Patricia Cornwell, Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliott
Crafting: 2 different cross-stitch projects
Studying: Forgotten God by Francis Chan

I just got back from a visit to Roswell Park tonight.

My great Uncle Bill is there, wrestling with the dying process.  He's 75, and was pretty much in 'perfect' health back in December.  From what I understand, Christmas came and went, and it was probably around then that they figured out something wasn't right.

He was in church in January.  Upright, full head of hair, attending the Sunday School his brother-in-law, my Grandpa D, teaches.  Standing next to my Grandpa B conversing while they waited for his ride.

It's now the end of march and he's ready to step into eternity. 

My Grandmother with her 3 brothers: Maurice, Merle, and Bill.

Both my mom and I thought it was important that my Grandma go and see her brother before he passes.  Her other brother, Merle, passed away in January in Florida; though she had a lot of phone conversations with him, she was unable to make it down there to see him.  We, along with my Grandpa drove over tonight and went up to visit, not expecting that there would be a whole lot of visitors.  Bill's wife Marcia was there, and their three daughters, who last saw me as a young girl.  Strange how quickly time passes.

It was hard on my grandmother to see him there, lying in bed, no hair, IV drips with saline and morphine, not able to swallow, not able to communicate with words.  All because of this aggressive cancer.  He recognized her though.  As soon as they said Margaret's here, he did his best to reach over for her hand.  His words were grunts - but it was clear to us all that he knew she was in the room.  He recognized my Grandfather and my mom too.  My grandma was able to talk to him and tell him repeatedly that we were praying for him - and that she loved him.  How important to say those words to loved ones while we have the opportunity. 

We had a nice visit with his wife and daughters.  The time was short though - he had not spent that much time awake and responsive in the last day or so.  Just this past Monday/Tuesday he could still converse with people.

The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.

So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

                           -Psalm 90:10,12

Even close to the end Great Uncle Bill was encouraging people around him in the Lord.  Apparently he had several conversations with the nurses at Roswell encouraging them to 'seek the Lord while He may be found'.  He's confident of his eternal destiny.  Are you? 

The rebellion of the first man, Adam, against God’s command brought death, suffering, and separation from God into this world. We see the results all around us. All of Adam’s descendants are sinful from conception (Psalm 51:5) and have themselves entered into this rebellion (sin). They, therefore, cannot live with a holy God but are condemned to separation from God. The Bible says that “all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” ( Romans 3:23) and that all are therefore subject to “everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power” (2 Thessalonians 1:9).

But the good news is that God has done something about it. “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only-begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).

Jesus Christ the Creator, though totally sinless, suffered, on behalf of mankind, the penalty of mankind’s sin, which is death and separation from God. He did this to satisfy the righteous demands of the holiness and justice of God, His Father. Jesus was the perfect sacrifice; He died on a cross, but on the third day, He rose again, conquering death, so that all who truly believe in Him, repent of their sin, and trust in Him (rather than their own merit) are able to come back to God and live for eternity with their Creator.

Therefore: “He who believes on Him is not condemned, but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only-begotten Son of God” (John 3:18).

I implore you - be sure.  Don't wait.  Don't put it off. 

Death is ugly.

But it's not the end.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.
When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
      "Death is swallowed up in victory."
      "O death, where is your victory?
       O death, where is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

                                                               -1 Corinthians 15:53-57

Finish well, Great Uncle Bill.  Praying for you as you run the last leg of your race.

[Note: Great Uncle Bill crossed the finish line Saturday, March 26, 2011 right around 1:30 pm.]

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Listening to: "Under" by Morgan Page from his 'Elevate' album.
Reading: I'm in between novels right now.  Trying to focus on more Scripture reading...
Crafting: 3 cross stitch projects, 2 blog layouts, wedding invite designs and business cards.  I need a vacation :)
Studying: Reading through Exodus right now...

Wow what an interesting few days it's been for myself and a close friend.  And what a very long time it's been since I actually posted something on the blog.  Strange how quickly time flies...

I'm sitting in my office working on a day when the corporate office is closed.  The wind is blustery today and has given a ... what's the word I want...  transient feel to the day.  Like nothing is stable. 

Strangely enough it's not unlike what is happening in my life and others.  I'm still wrestling with my current state.  My friends can tell you of how many people have gotten engaged in the last 3 weeks.  Too many to count on two hands.  I am very happy for each of them.  Really happy.  But at the same time each one of these blessed announcements is a chance for me to become despondent at my own state of singleness.  It's only a chance - and the evil one loves to take those opportunities to convince me yet again that I am unworthy.  That there is something wrong with me or that I've done something so horribly wrong that the Lord is 'punishing me' with this time of singleness.

Which is false - and yet it is so easy to give into those thoughts. 

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."
                                                                  2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (my emphasis)

And that brings me to the reason for writing this blog in the first place.  It's so important to remember that the war we are fighting is primarily a spiritual one.  One that can manifest itself in the careless comments of others, or the assumptions and misunderstandings between friends.  It can manifest in so many different ways. In my case it was in a dream I had this past Sunday morning. I cannot recall much of the beginnings of that dream, but the end result of it had me awake at 3:30 am, heart & mind racing.

I am traveling with my friend Katie in her car.  I am vaguely aware that we are traveling with a group of people, and that there is something we must be cautious about.  I have somehow obtained a silver pistol - like a Colt .45 - only the barrel looks as if it's been modified.  It also has pins or brackets that pop out of the bottom of the handle for the purpose of doing more damage when hitting someone with the butt of the gun.

Katie and I are walking back to her car after stopping at a rest stop.  I am talking to her about plans for something and sit in the passenger seat of her car, gun on my lap, still talking to her as she walks around the back of the vehicle.  I notice it is taking her too long to make the trek and call her name.

I hear her scream coming from behind the car.  I leap up, gun in hand from the passenger side and face what I can only call a shadow figure who has come up behind Katie and put one arm around her neck and the other around her waist, trying to drag her away from the car.  When this figure sees me it releases her and moves towards me in a rapid and very jerky motion.  Almost as if it was a bad film recording.  Jerky and flickering on the horizontal plane while in one location, then 'woosh' to the next location, all jerky and flickering.

I barely have time to raise the gun to shoot the thing from hip level.  I get it right in the gut just before it reaches me.

And then I wake up.

And some of you reading this are like - "wow scary dream but how do you know it was a spiritual attack and not some bad pizza wreaking revenge?"  

There are a few ways I can tell.  First - I've experienced attacks of this kind before.  And in every case the figure is never clearly defined.  It is always in shadow.  Second, when I tell my dreams like this to mentors in the faith, they are usually the ones to flag them as an attack even before I suggest that it might be one.  Third, my own spirit usually alarms at things that aren't 'normal' nightmares.

What's really interesting is when the person being attacked in my dream can confirm a similar dream at virtually the same time.  When I shared with Katie about this dream she confirmed a similar figure in her dream trying to do her harm.  Hearing that at first really creeped me out :)  But upon further discussion with friends and mentors, it's a blessing.  A blessing to know that the Lord can use us even in dreams to come to the aid of a friend.

In this case my weapon in the dream was a silver Colt .45.  Upon waking it was prayer.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
       but against the rulers,
       against the authorities,
       against the cosmic powers over this present darkness,
       against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Stand therefore,
     having fastened on the belt of truth,
     and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
     and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.
     In all circumstances take up the shield of faith,
                      with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;
     and take the helmet of salvation,
     and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,
                      praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.

To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints...

                                                                             Ephesians 6:10-18 (my emphasis)

So how about you?  Have you armed yourself today?  I'll be the first to confess I do a poor job of equipping myself for battle.  But the Lord's not finished with me - and He still chooses to use me despite myself. And for that I am eternally thankful.

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Listening to: The wind...
Reading: "Sacred Waiting" by David Timms.  Thoroughly enjoying his examination of waiting in the lives of Noah, Abraham, David and Jesus... looking forward to the second half of the book...
Crafting: One large crib sheet, One announcement framing, one Christmas gift with a wonderful saying and the repair of a friend's necklace.  This time of year is busy in so many ways...
Studying: Good question... I need to get back into my Beth Moore study on David...