Dream•sync

Has it really been since September?  Apologies.  So much has happened in the last... oh... 8 months...  craziness.

Probably the biggest thing - I'm engaged :) 

I had been told multiple times that when it did 'happen' to me it would go fairly quickly.  And they weren't wrong. 

I am very blessed.  Blessed by the Lord with a man who was never really on my 'radar'.  A man who I'd been friends with for several years before things developed between us. 

I'm hoping to document the last few months and years as I remember them here so you can read how the Lord taught me patience, and walked me through heartache before bringing me to a place where He could honor my heart's desire. 

It's not a checklist.  Life is not a checklist.  Keep that in mind.  My story is different from everyone else's and it's not a 'recipe' for marriage.  I'm going to try not to say those things like 'I had to surrender everything and then He gave me what I wanted' or 'be happy in your singleness and then he'll reward you'...  or other foolish things that associate marriage with a gift for those who are worthy or who follow a specific set on instructions so they can check it off their life list.  Life is messy.  I'm selfish. I'm impatient. I make foolish decisions. And yet despite my sinfulness my God chooses to fulfill my heart's desire - but only according to His will and timing and only for His glory.  Not my own.

And for that I am abundantly thankful. 

Anyway, this is just a preview of what I'd like to do with the blog.    Not sure what the design will be, or how long it will take me to tell you all I've learned over the last few months, but I'm writing again. 

And it feels good :)

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Listening to: Got 2 Know - Flux Pavilion on Pandora
Reading:"Ancients" by David L. Golemon
Crafting: Circlets for my wedding... and of course a cross stitch project too...
Studying: Trying to read through the Bible before I get married.  A little more than halfway there. And only 32 days to go :)

I just got back from a visit to Roswell Park tonight.

My great Uncle Bill is there, wrestling with the dying process.  He's 75, and was pretty much in 'perfect' health back in December.  From what I understand, Christmas came and went, and it was probably around then that they figured out something wasn't right.

He was in church in January.  Upright, full head of hair, attending the Sunday School his brother-in-law, my Grandpa D, teaches.  Standing next to my Grandpa B conversing while they waited for his ride.

It's now the end of march and he's ready to step into eternity. 

My Grandmother with her 3 brothers: Maurice, Merle, and Bill.

Both my mom and I thought it was important that my Grandma go and see her brother before he passes.  Her other brother, Merle, passed away in January in Florida; though she had a lot of phone conversations with him, she was unable to make it down there to see him.  We, along with my Grandpa drove over tonight and went up to visit, not expecting that there would be a whole lot of visitors.  Bill's wife Marcia was there, and their three daughters, who last saw me as a young girl.  Strange how quickly time passes.

It was hard on my grandmother to see him there, lying in bed, no hair, IV drips with saline and morphine, not able to swallow, not able to communicate with words.  All because of this aggressive cancer.  He recognized her though.  As soon as they said Margaret's here, he did his best to reach over for her hand.  His words were grunts - but it was clear to us all that he knew she was in the room.  He recognized my Grandfather and my mom too.  My grandma was able to talk to him and tell him repeatedly that we were praying for him - and that she loved him.  How important to say those words to loved ones while we have the opportunity. 

We had a nice visit with his wife and daughters.  The time was short though - he had not spent that much time awake and responsive in the last day or so.  Just this past Monday/Tuesday he could still converse with people.

The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.

So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.

                           -Psalm 90:10,12

Even close to the end Great Uncle Bill was encouraging people around him in the Lord.  Apparently he had several conversations with the nurses at Roswell encouraging them to 'seek the Lord while He may be found'.  He's confident of his eternal destiny.  Are you? 

The rebellion of the first man, Adam, against God’s command brought death, suffering, and separation from God into this world. We see the results all around us. All of Adam’s descendants are sinful from conception (Psalm 51:5) and have themselves entered into this rebellion (sin). They, therefore, cannot live with a holy God but are condemned to separation from God. The Bible says that “all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” ( Romans 3:23) and that all are therefore subject to “everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power” (2 Thessalonians 1:9).

But the good news is that God has done something about it. “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only-begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).

Jesus Christ the Creator, though totally sinless, suffered, on behalf of mankind, the penalty of mankind’s sin, which is death and separation from God. He did this to satisfy the righteous demands of the holiness and justice of God, His Father. Jesus was the perfect sacrifice; He died on a cross, but on the third day, He rose again, conquering death, so that all who truly believe in Him, repent of their sin, and trust in Him (rather than their own merit) are able to come back to God and live for eternity with their Creator.

Therefore: “He who believes on Him is not condemned, but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only-begotten Son of God” (John 3:18).

I implore you - be sure.  Don't wait.  Don't put it off. 

Death is ugly.

But it's not the end.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.
When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
      "Death is swallowed up in victory."
      "O death, where is your victory?
       O death, where is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

                                                               -1 Corinthians 15:53-57

Finish well, Great Uncle Bill.  Praying for you as you run the last leg of your race.

[Note: Great Uncle Bill crossed the finish line Saturday, March 26, 2011 right around 1:30 pm.]

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Listening to: "Under" by Morgan Page from his 'Elevate' album.
Reading: I'm in between novels right now.  Trying to focus on more Scripture reading...
Crafting: 3 cross stitch projects, 2 blog layouts, wedding invite designs and business cards.  I need a vacation :)
Studying: Reading through Exodus right now...

I went to bed last night feeling content after a day that started at 6 AM, included a 2-hour drive home, one appointment at 9, a run to AutoZone for new pads and rotors at 10, then a full day of work.  Got a text from my sister Val who also had an interesting afternoon and discovered she had no food in her apartment, so she came over and I fixed Beef Stroganoff - a dish that I love (who wouldn't love beef and pasta in a wonderful sauce?  :)  She stopped and bought salad and ghiradelli brownie mix on the way, and we had a lovely dinner at my table.  I know I've blogged about this before, but I feel so blessed to be able to do stuff like that on the fly - make dinner and have people over.  Thankfully I had all the ingredients for the meal :)

Anyway, my dad stopped over and had a brownie while I tried to find the information he needed on his military retirement.  We got that situated and then I had a wonderful conversation with my good friend Katie :)  And we talked about things happening in my life, and things happening in her life.  Things that are difficult but I believe ultimately good.

All of that apparently set the stage for this dream.

 I am being asked by and older gentleman to play the part of a fly fisher for the start of his movie - I think it's a commercial of some sort, but I can't be sure.  All I know is that I am to stand on a dock fly fishing - swinging my pole back and forth without actually fishing.   I am excited about this as for the past few years I've taken an interest in fly fishing.

I am practicing by myself at the edge of the water, chest waders on, flicking my fly on the surface.  It's a lake beach.  I realize the fly is huge - it's emerald green and looks more like a spoon lure than a fly.  I am able to keep flicking it in the water without it getting wet.  The older gentleman approaches - he is wearing sand -colored khakis and a similar colored, yet speckled sweater.  His hair is gray - He tells me I'm getting the hang of it and then asks how I can keep the fly dry.  I tell him about the float powder and wax that you can use to keep the fly floating - but I'm not using any of those.

I am standing on a dock surrounded by a whole bunch of people that I don't know - people who look familiar to me, but I've somehow just met.   They are crowded onto a boat that is tied up to the dock.  I look down and see the dock planking - it is gray and weathered like it's been there a long time.  We are not ready to shoot the film yet, so I'm flicking my fly into the water again - and I look down into the water - it's black yet clear - and I see this enormous fish.  It has vertical stripes on it and a huge dorsal fin - with spines that have to be 8 inches long connected by webbing, similar to a sunfish only much bigger.  This fish must be at least 4 or 5 feet long and it's just hovering partially under the dock.  I call people over to take a look.  They tell me that's a poison fish - that the spines are very dangerous.  I don't believe them.  They tell me I should try to catch it.  I protest saying my fly rod would snap - it's not designed for fish that big.  I hold my pole up and look at the specs printed on the side of the rod but can't find the one that I'm looking for to prove my point. So I throw my fly in where I think the fish's head is.

It's just hovering there like it's in a fish tank too small for it.  I lean over and think I see a scuba diver's face looking up at me from the water.  It disappears.  I feel a tug on my line and think 'I've caught it' only to real in a soft fish-eel looking thing that appears to be like a fat footlong hotdog in a weird bun.  i have hooked it funny through the lip - I find it strange.  I am proud of my catch and hold it up to everyone for their approval.  They laugh and smile appropriately, but I can sense something off.  Like a joke I am unaware of.

I am rummaging through a pack of supplies given to me by the older gentleman.  In it I find the stuffed mascot that represents the crew that I'm filming with.  It is the same thing that I hooked early in the day, only the one I hooked seemed real at the time.  How could I have mistaken it for a real fish?  I realize that I did see a diver and that they had hooked this mascot on to my hook as a joke played on me by the whole group. 

I am walking through a green campus.  People are everywhere - lounging in the perfectly manicured green grass under precisely placed decorative maples.  It is a college campus.  As I walk through people look at me with jeering contempt.  'How could she be so stupid?  So gullible?' I hear under their breath.  I do not belong and they want me to understand that.

I do not belong.  I am unworthy.  I am without hope.

And that is what I woke up to this morning.  Lovely huh?  I believe I know where most of it stems from.  You see, there is this wonderful event coming up this weekend - a square dance.  I have come to love them and dread them all at once.  Love them because they are a lot of fun.  Dread them because I always come away from them feeling unworthy.  Unmatched and unwanted.  So it makes sense that I would dream something about a large group of people and walk away in the dream feeling that way.   Last year I was dreadfully sick so there was a reason not to get asked.  This year I'm not sick - and I dread the 'waiting' on the sidelines.  Last year I had my camera with me - which I often use to keep me distracted.  It's why at weddings I like doing the photography.  It keeps me from thinking too much.  I haven't decided whether to bring it this time.   

So why am I still going you may ask?  Because despite the fears that are being broadcast from my dream, I do belong.  I am not unworthy.  I am not without hope.  But it's a battle for me every time.  A war against fear ruling my life.  I am taken back to one of my favorite passages - Isaiah 43 - as a welcome reminder.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
   and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
 when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
   and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
 I give Egypt as your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
   and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
   peoples in exchange for your life. 

 So today started as an 'off' day because of the dream and the fears it represents.  But it doesn't have to end as an off day.  It can (and will) be redeemed by God's grace.

It seems for many life is in transition once again.

For me it's a moving of sorts - that's right - I'm finally moving into my apartment.  It's been such a long time coming that it hardly feels real.  And I find myself questioning my direction all over again.  I'll have my own place again which I have mixed feelings about honestly.  After living alone for so long it's been a welcome respite to actually have people around all the time even if they are my parents ;)

Now that I'm moving into my own space there's this feeling of isolation once again, though I know it to be only half true.

This past Sunday I was reminded that I am constantly being lied to.  And before you think it's because I discovered deception by a friend - yeah nothing like that happened :)

I am being constantly lied to - on a personal level within my own mind, and on an external level from influences of the culture.  Ultimately these lies originate with the Father of lies - the Devil.  Here's Jesus giving a description of him while rebuking the Pharisees in John 8 (my emphasis):

..He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

 "There is no truth in him."

Contrast that with what Jesus says about himself in John 14:6 (again my emphasis):

"I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

 "I am...the truth..."

Jesus is the truth.  He didn't say just that he "speaks the truth" (which I believe he did speak the truth - he would have to if he was the truth).  Or that he "had the truth" (which I also believe is a true statement). He said he is the truth.

What I find remarkable is that Jesus said there is "no truth in him [the Devil]".  No truth in him.  If I take that for an absolute - absolutely no truth in him - and then look at the number of times I've listened to his influence on me through media and my own lack of faith - my own internal battles of the mind fought not in the Spirit but in my own flesh... It's astonishing just how many times I've believed his lies and so-called 'half-truths' to be true.  Lies about my 'unworthiness' because of my relationship status, or my employment status, or my physical appearance, or the sins which beset me... I'm sure you could list many more.

So where does that leave me?  I'm sure it's the Enemy's purpose to put me in a fog - to cause me to focus so much on the battles I've lost that I become ineffective in the overall campaign.

On the contrary - it causes me to yearn after truth.  To equip myself in order to identify and squelch those lies and 'half-truths' that so easily condemn without just cause.  How do I do this?  Thankfully Jesus made that clear earlier in the John 8 passage :

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

So I need to abide in his word.  Which I've been having a hard time doing lately because of all the travel.  Which is probably another reason why I've been struggling with all the change that is happening to me and around me.

Nevertheless - Laus Deo.  Praise be to God.  For His providential working to show just a little bit more of Himself to me even through this transitional time.  Now for the grace to accomplish what needs to be done - more time in the word so that I can be prepared to squelch those lies.

So before I entered the Blogger blogging world I had a xanga blog.  One which I've always thought about transferring to this one.  So last night I found it, logged in and went back.  Way back.  My first post was Thursday, February 10, 2005.  I apparently had the same issues with perfectionism then as I do now :)

I'm going to post these separately and label them 'Flashback'.  That way it's a bit more obvious - and I'll also be giving it the original post date too.  Enjoy :)

Flashback - First Post Ever.

Listening to: "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project from their 'La Revancha del Tango' album.  Think French-Argentinian Tango music.  Very cool.
Reading: Started 'Captain Blood' which is not taking me nearly as much time to read as I thought it would.  Finding it interesting reading thus far.
Crafting: Still stitching a baby shower gift.   
Studying: Michael Warden's  'Alone with God'. Also digging back into the Beth Moore study on the Fruit of the Spirit. 

I am exhausted.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, & spiritually exhausted.  Most of that is simply because my life consists of intense times of work, worship, hanging out with friends, and sleep - all sandwiched between driving.  And I love driving :)  Gives me time to think about life - sometimes too much.  And it give me time to listen to music - which is a big mood effector.  And it gives me time to talk with my Lord.  And pour my heart out to Him.  To sing; to weep; to laugh; and to get frustrated at the driver in front of me who has no respect for anyone else on the road :)

For the first time in a long time I feel as if I am being poured out and really used in the lives of my friends.  That not only is the Lord using those things in the past that I used for His good to minister, but also those things from my past that I thought would never be redeemed.  Ever.  It's a heavy burden to bear - and though I had given those things to the Lord long ago, and had been forgiven, it was like I was still unwilling to let go of them.  I think, "It's my pain, my anguish - I should remain under that bondage of that anguish because I failed; I'm forgiven, but I failed." I still wrestle with letting those things go.  And it's humbling to realize that despite my failures the Lord still chooses to use me even in my brokenness.

I am a perfectionist.  I am also a detail person.  This actually comes in pretty handy with my job.  When I'm designing a website, every minor detail of code must be perfect, or the site breaks.  When it comes to life though, it's not such a good thing.  It makes me second guess everything I do for fear of disappointing myself or others I care about.  And living in a state of 'fear' is not a fun place to be. Which is why blogging is such a challenge for me :)  I think, "What happens if people read this and don't like it?  or interpret it wrong?"  and it takes me forever to get back to writing again, even though I find it extremely cathartic.

Anyway, life lately has been full of long, wonderful, and challenging conversations.  I am so thankful for friends who are comfortable enough to share things, as well as listen to me too :)  I only pray that that which I say and do that's of the Lord sticks - and that which I say and do from the flesh is forgiven and forgotten.

I want to be poured out for the Lord's glory and I feel that He's been doing that.  That also means I need to make sure I get filled back up with Him and not my own flesh.  Sadly I feel as if I've been trying to fill myself back up lately and I can tell.  I have definitely not been spending enough time in the Word.  So tonight after work is done I'm grabbing my Bible and hiking down to the pond for some reading. And maybe some studying.  And definitely some reflection & prayer.

Good news is - even though I have been wrestling with my flesh - the Lord is faithful.  Funny how He works too...  Because just as I was writing this Sanctus Real's 'Forgiven' song was playing on FLN.  I'll close this post with those lyrics.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in
the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain,
wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

When I don't fit in and I don't
feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the
arms of Christ ‘cause 

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

Listening to: FLN though it's really full of static today for some reason...
Reading: Going to be gathering some books for this next trip I'm taking.  Right now looking at a 1930's National Parks portfolio which I'll be using in future blog posts and I've borrowed a copy of 'Captain Blood' which will take me forever to read but I've been told it's a good book...
Crafting: Stitching a baby shower gift.  For what seems like forever. Should turn out well though if I can get it done before the child turns 15 LOL. 
Studying: I've started a new devotional by Michael Warden called 'Alone with God'. I have thoroughly enjoyed this one so far - simple reading, great insight.  It's apparently exactly what I need at exactly the right time.

Driving back from Prayer & Praise last night I heard this song on my iPod... hoping we can sing it this Sunday...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

God is still good...

[Edit - Missy was only 21.  She apparently had a blood disorder.  I was encouraged by her obituary which you can read here:  http://www.legacy.com/Dayton/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=139275067]

You know how facebook is this wonderful tool for communicating with friends both near and far?

Today I experienced one of those facebook days where I'm both happy for the connections it allows me to keep, and sad for the news it brings.  And still kind of hoping that this isn't true.

One of my friends from Ohio posted on her facebook status a prayer request today, for another friend who lost his wife suddenly this morning.

While death shouldn't surprise us it seems that it always does. We expect it in our old age while still inwardly denying that it will ever happen to us. We have experienced the loss of great grandparents, grandparents and for some of us even parents. Often we console ourselves by saying they lived full lives.

According to another friend's prayer request, Missy was 21.

21.

I knew she was young. Ben just turned 24.

I cannot imagine the grief he must be feeling. Or the shock. Or even the anger that may or may not follow.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words."

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

We still grieve.  But we have hope.

Praying for you, Ben.

So...

1. The Apartment.  I know - everyone's like 'are you moved in yet?'  That would be a no.  And trust me, there are times where I wish I could say 'yes' :)  I never thought moving back in with my parent's could be such a challenge.
    
   That said, the drywall is up in the ceiling and the kitchen cabinets are being built.  Biggest thing has been getting the radiant heat system set up.  Kudos to my Dad - I've never seen such a high-tech heating system.  Some pictures:
   
   
   
   
   My Dad, my Uncle Rick and a couple guys from RBC helping put up the ceilings...
   
   
   
   
   
   Radiant Tubing Manifolds for one part of the apartment...
   
2. The HUGE work project - we launched on December 31.  And I'm happy with the results.  If you're wondering what I've been working on, it was a redesign of our corporate website.  From scratch.  With no consultants.  I'm very thankful I didn't go gray ;)  If you want to preview the site - ysi.com.  I'm not linking it because I'd rather not have my blog show up in all my colleagues Google alerts (still don't trust the 'do not index' option :)  Still finishing up some content for the site, but all of that should be finished by the end of January. 
   
   Side project is a certain business' website.  Purchased the CMS yesterday and I'll be looking through site templates this weekend.  Looking forward to this project. 
   
   
3. Office wildlife - It's been busy around here.  Just about every day I see something new - between new birds showing up, deer walking through and the occasional fox going after the squirrels it's never boring.  Was going to try to post video of the deer that walk through...can't get it to work so maybe next time if I can get it off my phone...
 
3 Cardinals - 2 males and one female...

"Nevermore..."

Cardinal vs Squirrel.  The Cardinal won. 
He just sat on the feeder watching the squirrel try in vain to reach the feeder.
 
He was trotting past my feeders after one of the fat gray squirrels.  He missed and so decided to head down our driveway toward the house.
4. Trips- I need to plan another trip to Ohio at some point.  Already have one planned for PA.  Looking forward to heading out with one of my 'old' friends.  She gets to leave her kids with her husband for a long weekend and we're both going down to visit.  Should be fun.  I'm taking a long weekend for that one - need a break from corporate web work :)

So that's the update.  Hope it was worth the wait.  Enjoy your weekend nonetheless :)



Listening to: FLN's Thrive Internet Stream  http://www.fln.org/flplayer/?station=thrive
Reading: Nothing!  Which is really weird... All the books I've picked up in the last several weeks I've finished, and none of my books are unpacked yet.  I have a couple in mind though....been working on a cross stitch project for KitKat :)
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 6: A Composite of Peculiar Patience

no type :)

Well, no type on the blog that is.  I've been doing plenty of code typing for the company's new website. 

Yes, that's the reason for my blogging absence.  Many intense hours of sitting.  Which sounds like a HUGE oxymoron LOL.  How can one be intense while sitting? 

Anyway, back to the update.  And what and update it will be!  Photos, video, and descriptions galore - just not on this post.  This post is just to let you know I'm still here. Before I blog I need to work.  And I need to buy some Muse music.  Wow.  Really loving the Thrive stream from FLN.  Check it out: http://www.fln.org/flplayer/?station=thrive

Yes this post is disjointed.  That's what happens when I get home at oh...  really early in the morning... and get about....well....not a lot of sleep :)

....and no this won't be a huge update post.  I've just been asked several times when I'm going to post something to my blog again and since I haven't had a chance to upload all the apartment update photos I figured I would at least let you know I'm still alive.

Swamped, but alive :)

I have a huge deadline looming - December 31 to be exact.  That's when the company's website launches.  That's when I can finally stop working 10 hour days.  That's when I can reclaim my life :)

So if you don't hear from me in the next few weeks don't worry - it's because I'm coding the other website so that I can finish it on time.  Or at least on the revised timeline.  By Dec 31st.

If you think about it - pray for my sanity - specifically coherence of thought as I'm tying databases together.  And for my eyesight as staring at screens all day when it's so dark out side even with the office lights on is rough :) 'Tis the season of light-induced and ocular migraine's for me.  So I'll always have a bottle of Excedrin on me for those who also suffer...

Quick update since I can't resist - I'm here, I'm typing - why not?

I was in CT this past weekend at the Revolve Tour with 13-16 year old girls as a chaperon.  Fun times.  Also reminded me of how old I am LOL.  I had a great group of girls though - and the weekend went so well Katie was left wondering when the ball would drop so-to-speak.  But thankfully none did- It was the Lord - we were and are still thankful :)  The night before we left I slept at Katie B's house and dreamed about presenting a poem/song I had written in Latin to the pope for him to critique.  He loved the first verse but wasn't keen on the other two.  I remember 'verit' being in it and it translating into something about John - whether Baptist or the Apostle I don't recall.  I remembered the dream after seeing a sticker on the bus steps that said 'kneeling bus' which I thought ironic :)

This week - I head to Ohio to prepare for the board meeting presentation this Friday.  I'm picking up a coworker from the airport at 6:30, which means I'm leaving NY around 11-ish.  Just in time to beat the storm that's supposed to be coming in.  Hopefully I won't be driving through it as I head south.

Speaking of driving, pray that what ever is going on with my car is fixed.  My car did not pass inspection the first time because there were too many 'not ready' warnings.  No check engine issues, it just 'wasn't ready'.  Which makes no sense to me, but apparently after many days of start and stop driving it's supposed to reset the car's EEPROM chipset and be ready to be inspected once again.  It would be a huge blessing if that could take place tomorrow, so I can drive my car to Ohio and not one of my parent's.  That and apparently there are now chunks of 'stop leak' coolant system sealant that didn't dissolve correctly over the weekend, so my car has been overheating, which is has never done in the 6 years I've owned it.  So tomorrow on top of trying to get it inspected my dad will also be suctioning the coolant system so I don't over heat when I (hopefully) take it to Ohio on Wednesday.

Thursday is prep for the Board meeting presentation, and Friday is the presentation to the Board.  Not really concerned about the presentation aspect, provided I can get a few more pages on the website done. 

Then I head home on Friday after the meeting, probably around 1 PM, to try to make it in time to grab dress rehearsal shots at my parent's church's musical thing that evening at 7pm.  Then Saturday I'll probably head to the Finger Lakes, for some much needed respite.

Ok - a much longer update that anticipated, but hey.  You should know me by now :)

and then some...

So I woke up this morning after a great Sunday evening and a late drive home with that raw feeling in your throat right behind your nose...  not good.  That usually means I'm getting sick.  Again.

It was easier when I lived by myself when the 'sick' season came around.  Mostly because my interaction with people was extremely limited so I avoided sinus things very easily.  Now not so much.  However, if I had a choice between isolating myself in my apartment and hanging out with friends I'll choose the latter.  It's worth it :)

So the fact that I'm not feeling so hot is clouding my judgment.

It just makes it harder to ignore comments like 'will we ever see you on the weekends?' and 'why would you ever get involved with that music group when there is so much to do here?'

Discouraging.  And hard brush off when this music thing has come so far so quickly.  This past weekend on the drive to practice I was praying that the Lord would give me lyrics.  Give me a song.  Sometimes I feel like I have so little to offer and other times I feel so full of my own pride that I feel useless because I'm in the way.  It's a constant back-and-forth wrestling against my prideful flesh and against the lies of the evil one who would try to shame me into silence.

The good news is I think I have at least one chorus.  And the beginnings of another song that I woke with on Sunday morning. Funny thing is it's like I was writing in preparation for this trial...  I've been reminded of late of Paul and the 'thorn in his flesh'.   And of the Lord's response to his request, "My grace is sufficient for you..." And I woke up early on Sunday with a melody and the beginnings of lyrics for this song.  Which I've been singing to myself for the last few days as if I heard it on the radio.  Kinda weird, but a blessing nonetheless.

Your grace is sufficient for me, Oh Lord;
Your grace is sufficient for me.
Help me remember when the trials come
that Your grace is sufficient for me.

So you can't hear the melody, but it's clear as a bell in my head... and now comes the fear that it's already been written and I'm just regurgitating it :)

Anyway, working on verses for it.  And I'll still need melody and music help, but it's a start.  And it's a message that apparently I need to remember. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12:9-10

and another verse that brings comfort...

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...

1 Corinthians 4:7-9

So a slightly discouraging day.  But not enough to make me discontinue the path that I believe the Lord has me on...

Listening to: "Fool For You" by Nichole Nordeman on FLN
Reading: 'Vitals' by Greg Bear. Just started and it's rough plot is the modern search for immortality.
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 5: Peace Be with You. Still catching up on homework :)

So in just two days a lot has happened. Some good, some not so good.

First, the 'not so good'. My Dad's been dealing with some ministry stuff - I'd ask that you'd pray the Lord would give clarity and wisdom to him and all involved. I could see it on his face last night after the meeting - he was weary and it showed.

The other not-so-good - we've drained Dad's cabin fund, a.k.a. my apartment fund. I'm honestly not worried about it - the Lord will provide the funds we need to complete the work in His time. And he's provided me a job so I'm guessing that's where the funds will initially come from. So no more rare book purchases for a while :)

The good - well, the Lord is always good :) In this case I'm referring to the chocolaty goodness that mentioned in the post title. Look for that shortly...

Listening to: "Black Balloon" by the Goo Goo Dolls from 'Dizzy Up the Girl'
Reading: 'Post Mortem' by Patricia Cornwell. First Kay Scarpetta novel and it's dark. Interesting to go back and read it when I know some of the story from her later novels.
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 5: Peace Be with You. Had a good time at Bible Study last night.  Hard to persevere through last night's video session for some reason. We're sticking with it regardless.

So I decided to follow through on my blog redesign.  Can't take all the credit for this one - I just happened to find a great template site:  http://btemplates.com/   Searched several options and thought I'd try this one.  Had to tweak it a bit to get it to where I wanted it, but overall I'm liking it...so if any of you want to try out a template and have coding questions let me know - I think I've got it figured out :)

On another note, didn't go to play volleyball for a few reasons.  One, I'd prefer to go with people that I know at least the first few times, and since they had other commitments I opted out this week.  Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll head over to play.  Second reason - Mom's birthday dinner with G & G.  We went to a nice steak place - and I got veal.  LOL  Was going to go for steak but just wasn't in the mood.  Who knew I had to be in the mood for a good steak?  Anyway, Val ended up stopping home just as we were getting in the car to go and so she tagged along.  Poor Kim - she's been home sick with a fever the last day or so and hasn't been feeling all that well...She's on the mend though, so hopefully she'll get back to work on Thursday...

And one more thing - I realized how important it is to share those 'weird' things that seem to be coincidences (which I don't believe in - there are no coincidences!).  Like last weeks' 2 Peter1 I shared at Prayer and Praise.  For 4 days I kept hearing and reading this passage - specifically Chapter 1 verses 3-12.  So I shared based on the more obvious prompting of the Holy Spirit (4 days in a row is pretty obvious I think lol).  And based on a few things today I'm thinking that it definitely wasn't just for me - that these things we're led to discover by the Holy Spirit are meant to be shared with others so that they may also reap the benefit.

That said, I haven't had any glaring 'coincidences' or other scriptures jump out at me this week.  But I would encourage any of you reading this - share what you've been learning.  You never know how the Lord will use it in someone else's life.

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:10-11

Listening to: "Unbound" by Robbie Robertson from 'Contact From the Underground'
Reading: 'Post Mortem' by Patricia Cornwell. First Kay Scarpetta novel and it's dark.  Which means I'll be reading something not in the forensic sciences for my next novel...
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 4: The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength.

So today started off..well...interesting.

First, I've de-linked my blog and my facebook page. For various reasons. And as much as some of my friends rely on facebook for their updates they may be disappointed in this development, however, for my own sanity it's the right choice :) I guess I'm not keen on broadcasting my blog to every connection I have on facebook. I'm still blogging, just in a more 'private' way - which is a huge oxymoron considering nothing you post on the internet is ever private LOL. Maybe I'm just filtering for the most dedicated of readers - so if you are reading this, it's because you have the direct link to my site. Thank you for reading :)

Anyway, as is my normal practice, I wake up without and alarm, in this case at least an hour earlier than I had anticipated. Blah. Not able to get back to sleep, and an underlying panic just at the edge of my consciousness. I have an idea of what's causing it and so I choose to ignore it, and that's followed by a futile attempt to reclaim another hour of sleep before removing myself from my bed and starting my day.

I meet my mom on the stair as she's heading out. I missed celebrating her birthday yesterday. Several reasons for that - one, I attend a church in the Finger Lakes region, and that's a 2 hour drive. And I can hear some of you asking why I would ever drive that far for church my answer is it's worth it. Anyway, between driving back and forth for the other events I was attending this weekend it just wasn't feasible to drive back and forth twice this weekend (I had a Relevant Worship concert to attend - lots of fun - word of the night being 'awkward' LOL :) And even though I talked with my mom about not being here in advance I still feel guilty. Ugh. Anyway, met her on the steps this morning on her way to work and wished her a happy birthday again.

It's always a challenge to come up with the right gift - for anyone, not just my mom - but this year my sister Kim had a great idea... so we went with it. And yesterday afternoon they placed the gift on the porch and told mom after dinner that she needed to see the improvements we made to the porch. Dad told me last night that she went out on the porch and was looking at the stairs and didn't see it right away. She looked left and there on the porch was a kayak :)

She was completely surprised - and happy too. And saying that we needed more so she wouldn't have to go by herself. You see, when we're in the mountains on vacation we like to be on the water. Some of the rental houses we've stayed at have kayaks that we can use and we've enjoyed them in the past. My mom apparently made a comment this past summer about how we needed one as the place we stayed didn't have one. So Kim wisely tucked that tidbit away and shared it with me a few weeks ago. After running it by Dad and Val we started looking, and thanks to a trip to Dick's that Kim and Val took, we got mom a kayak. Dad's going to try to get her out on the pond with it. LOL

Anyway, Happy Birthday mom :)

So that was the celebration yesterday. Mom confirmed her surprise with me this morning, then told me the dinner with Grandpa & Grandma D was rescheduled for Tuesday night. I had requested Monday. Ehh.... so I won't be celebrating with them either, which makes me want to bake a cake or something even though she's received no less than 3 cakes in the last day or so. Yes - I have a guilt complex... I won't be going because a Volleyball league is starting up and I've been interested in playing in one for a few months now. And it's starting this Tuesday. Going to see if one or both sisters want to come. And I'm geared up now after this past weekend's volleyball event.

Yep - volleyball yesterday afternoon. A few games indoors, a few games outdoors. Pretty good games, and great to meet new people. And get in a few good games of volleyball with some excellent volleys. Still looking forward to a more competitive level of play - not hugely competitive, but more 3-hits-per-side type play. I'm finding myself a bit sore today though...worth it for the play.

So where was I, oh yes - today - so I'm in my office, and I get an email from the CEO asking me website questions and please call him at his direct line. The nice part is we're a smaller company (less than 300 employees worldwide) and as I worked at the corporate office I've done quite a bit of work for the CEO so I know him. Just didn't expect an email of that direct nature. So I call from my parent's land line, leave a voice mail and two minutes late receive a call on my parent's line from the CEO. He commented on how he got a busy signal the first time and that he hadn't heard one of those in years :) Anyway, he asked me to help out his wife as she's setting up a survey for her doctoral dissertation and he felt out of his depth with the web stuff. So I called her this morning and had a nice chat with her, and apparently the CEO is happy with my breadth of knowledge on web stuff because she mentioned how he mentioned me when she had questions. So that's good - it means that they have confidence in my ability to do my job. Which is really good cause I'd like to keep my job :)

So as I'm on the phone with her, a blue jay flies smack into the window. Let's just say it startled me. Which shouldn't surprise anyone because I startle easily. I have an abundance of blue jays now, and this morning they've been chasing each other, and the woodpeckers, and vice versa, and the squirrels are chasing them - must be a good day for chasing. This one wasn't paying attention and flew into the window. No worries - it survived the ordeal, but it took me about 5 minutes to recover....

And now I'm looking at this huge post and thinking I need to change my blog layout so that my posts don't appear so long... maybe I should post smaller things more often as opposed to longer ones less frequently...would that help? Long posts are what happens when you find blogging cathartic :)


Listening to: "Perfect (Original Mix)" by Rob Lemon from 'I Love Trance: Vol 7'
Reading: 'Post Mortem' by Patricia Cornwell. Just started it this morning.
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 4: The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength.

"Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."

Hello all.. just thought I'd pass this along. It was written back in 2005 and I found it today on Boundless. Thought it was a great reminder of the responsibility that comes with blogging...

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001341.cfm



Listening to: Munch 3 [Remix] from the Oddworld: Munch's Odysee Soundtrack
Reading: 'In The Courts of the Sun' by Brian D'Amato. Just finished it this morning. A lot of language that didn't need to be in there, as well as other material. Interesting storyline, but kind of ended on a downer. It's the first in a trilogy though I'm not sure I will continue it when it becomes available. Hoping to pick up my next book this weekend at the book sale :)
Studying: 'Living Beyond Yourself' by Beth Moore. Week 4: The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength. Had to reschedule with my friend because of visiting coworkers. We both feel like we're being hindered in this study for whatever reason. Which is even more incentive to keep doing it.
FB Friends: Read it in situ here: dreamsync.blogspot.com

So I've decided to start a new blog.. partly because the one I was using hasn't been touched in at least a year, and partly because I'm currently going through a pretty significant life rearrangement right now. So what better way to celebrate then to vent to everyone out in the ether about it :)

When I get a chance I'll decorate my new online space. And I'll probably transfer some online content, namely my dreams which are very vivid and detailed. Still are, I just haven't had an outlet to start documenting them again. Soon...