Dream•sync

I am exhausted.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, & spiritually exhausted.  Most of that is simply because my life consists of intense times of work, worship, hanging out with friends, and sleep - all sandwiched between driving.  And I love driving :)  Gives me time to think about life - sometimes too much.  And it give me time to listen to music - which is a big mood effector.  And it gives me time to talk with my Lord.  And pour my heart out to Him.  To sing; to weep; to laugh; and to get frustrated at the driver in front of me who has no respect for anyone else on the road :)

For the first time in a long time I feel as if I am being poured out and really used in the lives of my friends.  That not only is the Lord using those things in the past that I used for His good to minister, but also those things from my past that I thought would never be redeemed.  Ever.  It's a heavy burden to bear - and though I had given those things to the Lord long ago, and had been forgiven, it was like I was still unwilling to let go of them.  I think, "It's my pain, my anguish - I should remain under that bondage of that anguish because I failed; I'm forgiven, but I failed." I still wrestle with letting those things go.  And it's humbling to realize that despite my failures the Lord still chooses to use me even in my brokenness.

I am a perfectionist.  I am also a detail person.  This actually comes in pretty handy with my job.  When I'm designing a website, every minor detail of code must be perfect, or the site breaks.  When it comes to life though, it's not such a good thing.  It makes me second guess everything I do for fear of disappointing myself or others I care about.  And living in a state of 'fear' is not a fun place to be. Which is why blogging is such a challenge for me :)  I think, "What happens if people read this and don't like it?  or interpret it wrong?"  and it takes me forever to get back to writing again, even though I find it extremely cathartic.

Anyway, life lately has been full of long, wonderful, and challenging conversations.  I am so thankful for friends who are comfortable enough to share things, as well as listen to me too :)  I only pray that that which I say and do that's of the Lord sticks - and that which I say and do from the flesh is forgiven and forgotten.

I want to be poured out for the Lord's glory and I feel that He's been doing that.  That also means I need to make sure I get filled back up with Him and not my own flesh.  Sadly I feel as if I've been trying to fill myself back up lately and I can tell.  I have definitely not been spending enough time in the Word.  So tonight after work is done I'm grabbing my Bible and hiking down to the pond for some reading. And maybe some studying.  And definitely some reflection & prayer.

Good news is - even though I have been wrestling with my flesh - the Lord is faithful.  Funny how He works too...  Because just as I was writing this Sanctus Real's 'Forgiven' song was playing on FLN.  I'll close this post with those lyrics.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in
the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain,
wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

When I don't fit in and I don't
feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the
arms of Christ ‘cause 

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven