Dream•sync

I went to bed last night feeling content after a day that started at 6 AM, included a 2-hour drive home, one appointment at 9, a run to AutoZone for new pads and rotors at 10, then a full day of work.  Got a text from my sister Val who also had an interesting afternoon and discovered she had no food in her apartment, so she came over and I fixed Beef Stroganoff - a dish that I love (who wouldn't love beef and pasta in a wonderful sauce?  :)  She stopped and bought salad and ghiradelli brownie mix on the way, and we had a lovely dinner at my table.  I know I've blogged about this before, but I feel so blessed to be able to do stuff like that on the fly - make dinner and have people over.  Thankfully I had all the ingredients for the meal :)

Anyway, my dad stopped over and had a brownie while I tried to find the information he needed on his military retirement.  We got that situated and then I had a wonderful conversation with my good friend Katie :)  And we talked about things happening in my life, and things happening in her life.  Things that are difficult but I believe ultimately good.

All of that apparently set the stage for this dream.

 I am being asked by and older gentleman to play the part of a fly fisher for the start of his movie - I think it's a commercial of some sort, but I can't be sure.  All I know is that I am to stand on a dock fly fishing - swinging my pole back and forth without actually fishing.   I am excited about this as for the past few years I've taken an interest in fly fishing.

I am practicing by myself at the edge of the water, chest waders on, flicking my fly on the surface.  It's a lake beach.  I realize the fly is huge - it's emerald green and looks more like a spoon lure than a fly.  I am able to keep flicking it in the water without it getting wet.  The older gentleman approaches - he is wearing sand -colored khakis and a similar colored, yet speckled sweater.  His hair is gray - He tells me I'm getting the hang of it and then asks how I can keep the fly dry.  I tell him about the float powder and wax that you can use to keep the fly floating - but I'm not using any of those.

I am standing on a dock surrounded by a whole bunch of people that I don't know - people who look familiar to me, but I've somehow just met.   They are crowded onto a boat that is tied up to the dock.  I look down and see the dock planking - it is gray and weathered like it's been there a long time.  We are not ready to shoot the film yet, so I'm flicking my fly into the water again - and I look down into the water - it's black yet clear - and I see this enormous fish.  It has vertical stripes on it and a huge dorsal fin - with spines that have to be 8 inches long connected by webbing, similar to a sunfish only much bigger.  This fish must be at least 4 or 5 feet long and it's just hovering partially under the dock.  I call people over to take a look.  They tell me that's a poison fish - that the spines are very dangerous.  I don't believe them.  They tell me I should try to catch it.  I protest saying my fly rod would snap - it's not designed for fish that big.  I hold my pole up and look at the specs printed on the side of the rod but can't find the one that I'm looking for to prove my point. So I throw my fly in where I think the fish's head is.

It's just hovering there like it's in a fish tank too small for it.  I lean over and think I see a scuba diver's face looking up at me from the water.  It disappears.  I feel a tug on my line and think 'I've caught it' only to real in a soft fish-eel looking thing that appears to be like a fat footlong hotdog in a weird bun.  i have hooked it funny through the lip - I find it strange.  I am proud of my catch and hold it up to everyone for their approval.  They laugh and smile appropriately, but I can sense something off.  Like a joke I am unaware of.

I am rummaging through a pack of supplies given to me by the older gentleman.  In it I find the stuffed mascot that represents the crew that I'm filming with.  It is the same thing that I hooked early in the day, only the one I hooked seemed real at the time.  How could I have mistaken it for a real fish?  I realize that I did see a diver and that they had hooked this mascot on to my hook as a joke played on me by the whole group. 

I am walking through a green campus.  People are everywhere - lounging in the perfectly manicured green grass under precisely placed decorative maples.  It is a college campus.  As I walk through people look at me with jeering contempt.  'How could she be so stupid?  So gullible?' I hear under their breath.  I do not belong and they want me to understand that.

I do not belong.  I am unworthy.  I am without hope.

And that is what I woke up to this morning.  Lovely huh?  I believe I know where most of it stems from.  You see, there is this wonderful event coming up this weekend - a square dance.  I have come to love them and dread them all at once.  Love them because they are a lot of fun.  Dread them because I always come away from them feeling unworthy.  Unmatched and unwanted.  So it makes sense that I would dream something about a large group of people and walk away in the dream feeling that way.   Last year I was dreadfully sick so there was a reason not to get asked.  This year I'm not sick - and I dread the 'waiting' on the sidelines.  Last year I had my camera with me - which I often use to keep me distracted.  It's why at weddings I like doing the photography.  It keeps me from thinking too much.  I haven't decided whether to bring it this time.   

So why am I still going you may ask?  Because despite the fears that are being broadcast from my dream, I do belong.  I am not unworthy.  I am not without hope.  But it's a battle for me every time.  A war against fear ruling my life.  I am taken back to one of my favorite passages - Isaiah 43 - as a welcome reminder.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
   and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
 when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
   and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
 I give Egypt as your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
   and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
   peoples in exchange for your life. 

 So today started as an 'off' day because of the dream and the fears it represents.  But it doesn't have to end as an off day.  It can (and will) be redeemed by God's grace.