So before I entered the Blogger blogging world I had a xanga blog. One which I've always thought about transferring to this one. So last night I found it, logged in and went back. Way back. My first post was Thursday, February 10, 2005. I apparently had the same issues with perfectionism then as I do now :)
I'm going to post these separately and label them 'Flashback'. That way it's a bit more obvious - and I'll also be giving it the original post date too. Enjoy :)
Flashback - First Post Ever.
Listening to: "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project from their 'La Revancha del Tango' album. Think French-Argentinian Tango music. Very cool.
Reading: Started 'Captain Blood' which is not taking me nearly as much time to read as I thought it would. Finding it interesting reading thus far.
Crafting: Still stitching a baby shower gift.
Studying: Michael Warden's 'Alone with God'. Also digging back into the Beth Moore study on the Fruit of the Spirit.
I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, & spiritually exhausted. Most of that is simply because my life consists of intense times of work, worship, hanging out with friends, and sleep - all sandwiched between driving. And I love driving :) Gives me time to think about life - sometimes too much. And it give me time to listen to music - which is a big mood effector. And it gives me time to talk with my Lord. And pour my heart out to Him. To sing; to weep; to laugh; and to get frustrated at the driver in front of me who has no respect for anyone else on the road :)
For the first time in a long time I feel as if I am being poured out and really used in the lives of my friends. That not only is the Lord using those things in the past that I used for His good to minister, but also those things from my past that I thought would never be redeemed. Ever. It's a heavy burden to bear - and though I had given those things to the Lord long ago, and had been forgiven, it was like I was still unwilling to let go of them. I think, "It's my pain, my anguish - I should remain under that bondage of that anguish because I failed; I'm forgiven, but I failed." I still wrestle with letting those things go. And it's humbling to realize that despite my failures the Lord still chooses to use me even in my brokenness.
I am a perfectionist. I am also a detail person. This actually comes in pretty handy with my job. When I'm designing a website, every minor detail of code must be perfect, or the site breaks. When it comes to life though, it's not such a good thing. It makes me second guess everything I do for fear of disappointing myself or others I care about. And living in a state of 'fear' is not a fun place to be. Which is why blogging is such a challenge for me :) I think, "What happens if people read this and don't like it? or interpret it wrong?" and it takes me forever to get back to writing again, even though I find it extremely cathartic.
Anyway, life lately has been full of long, wonderful, and challenging conversations. I am so thankful for friends who are comfortable enough to share things, as well as listen to me too :) I only pray that that which I say and do that's of the Lord sticks - and that which I say and do from the flesh is forgiven and forgotten.
I want to be poured out for the Lord's glory and I feel that He's been doing that. That also means I need to make sure I get filled back up with Him and not my own flesh. Sadly I feel as if I've been trying to fill myself back up lately and I can tell. I have definitely not been spending enough time in the Word. So tonight after work is done I'm grabbing my Bible and hiking down to the pond for some reading. And maybe some studying. And definitely some reflection & prayer.
Good news is - even though I have been wrestling with my flesh - the Lord is faithful. Funny how He works too... Because just as I was writing this Sanctus Real's 'Forgiven' song was playing on FLN. I'll close this post with those lyrics.
Well the past is playing with my headListening to: FLN though it's really full of static today for some reason...
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget
In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in
the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain,
wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven
When I don't fit in and I don't
feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the
arms of Christ ‘cause
I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven
Reading: Going to be gathering some books for this next trip I'm taking. Right now looking at a 1930's National Parks portfolio which I'll be using in future blog posts and I've borrowed a copy of 'Captain Blood' which will take me forever to read but I've been told it's a good book...
Crafting: Stitching a baby shower gift. For what seems like forever. Should turn out well though if I can get it done before the child turns 15 LOL.
Studying: I've started a new devotional by Michael Warden called 'Alone with God'. I have thoroughly enjoyed this one so far - simple reading, great insight. It's apparently exactly what I need at exactly the right time.
So St. Patrick's Day recipes were a hit, though apparently all the alcohol from the Bailey's Irish Cream did not bake out of the bread pudding...Still good though :)
I've had several requests for the recipe - which I got from recipezaar.com - I love this site especially when I'm looking for a new recipe to try. You can search for all kinds of recipes, and sort by rating which should give you a bit more confidence when trying a new recipe :)
Ingredients
Mint Filling
- 4 eggs
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 1 cup butter
- 4 ounces baking chocolate
- 1 cup flour
Chocolate topping
- 4 tablespoons butter
- 2 cups confectioners' sugar
- 1 1/2 teaspoons peppermint extract
- green food coloring
- 3-4 tablespoons cream
- 8 tablespoons butter
- 1 (12 ounce) package chocolate chips
DirectionsThis version differs slightly from the version on recipezaar found here. I used Baker's German Chocolate for the brownie mix, and unsalted butter. I also think that hand mixing the brownies after step 3 might have prevented the light 'crust' that formed while baking. Will have to try this one again to see if I'm right. Didn't affect the taste at all - just made it harder to apply the mint filling.
To serve - either chill it first, then cut into squares, or serve it a few minutes after applying the warm chocolate topping.
- Preheat oven at 375°F.
- Beat eggs until fluffy.
- Add sugar and vanilla; beat well.
- Melt the butter and chocolate and add to the mixture (mixing well).
- Add flour and stir until smooth.
- Butter a 13x9 pan then pour in mixture.
- Bake for 25 min or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
- Allow brownies to cool before adding the mint filling.
- Mint Filling: Mix 4 tablespoons butter, confectioners' sugar, mint, and cream.
- Add green food coloring.
- Frost brownies and refrigerate for an hour.
- Make the chocolate topping by melting butter and chocolate chips in a saucepan over medium heat.
- Pour chocolate topping over mint filling.
Anyway - enjoy!
Driving back from Prayer & Praise last night I heard this song on my iPod... hoping we can sing it this Sunday...
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of deathGod is still good...
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
